Fountain of Memory is a representation and honest interpretation of my dark side being defeated by everything good I try to hold on to!
I started writing Music to let go of my hurt and hate. And off my album "Fountain of Memory", songs like Fidelity, Transparent Black and B-RUN-CH were written when I was beyond angry.
When I did my second shoot for FOM with amazing German photographer Maischa Souga, our concept was to shoot my light and dark sides. And what I have shared publicly so far have been shots from the light.
Despite having the dark images ready for the longest time, and even almost releasing them last week (they've been on my desktop for the longest time now), opinions of others and the part of me that felt the need to hide my dark side kept procrastinating.
It's the 21st century and women are more empowered today than ever before but, I guess most of us are still so conditioned or maybe even pushed to look "pretty" and appear "good", forced to sometimes hide the darkness within, not being able to address it or share their struggles with others.
I'm addressing this because for the last week, I have been forced to face the one thing I have always tried to keep under wraps; My anger!
I've had this coming for a long time tbh. Becoming ill opens my eyes EVERY SINGLE TIME! It forces me to take a step back to evaluate why my body shut down and what I need to pay attention to about myself. Honestly, I don't know if this is how it is for everyone but, I just know it's how it is for ME.
I was at point where I was just really disappointed at myself for getting angry! Being a mom, I hate how angry I get. It's like something inside me that I have absolutely no total control over and sometimes feel like giving into every now and then because it may not be causing too much damage or harm. Which is just rubbish because not being totally calm takes a massive toll on me and those around me. Suppressing my anger only results in me busting out in anger at a point, only to see the hurt in the eyes of the people I love. Which most often pisses me off even more. Which is NOT right.
My anger is my weakness. It has been the hardest to overcome. It's been the way I have reacted for years. It's what I have seen and emulated my whole life!
But I have also been realizing something else.
That most often, what helps us level up is actually realizing & rebelling against our weaknesses. Like for instance, when we feel tired and completely drained, what would benefit us would be to rebel against the urge to pass out by actually getting up. And we could do that by eating/ drinking, getting our adrenaline pumping so, we're back in the game, right?
Rebelling against our weaknesses IS the challenge!
I'm not an expert at this. I know there's a lot I need to work on but, I know this:
That if I were to continue getting angry the way I do, my kids would grow up the same way I did and inevitably continue this messed up cycle.
So, while recovering, realizing my biggest challenge this life, I'm making a promise to myself to quit being afraid of my darkest side. I had kind of forgotten the beauty of embracing my dark side and rebelling against it by using it to create! But I know now what I must do on a daily basis, even during the tiniest of moments I feel like I'd lose control!
“Peace. it does not mean to be in a place where there is no trouble, noise, or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart” - Lady Gaga
The dragon in my logo is how I see myself; A creature of fire and fury.
The Fibonacci spiral is the portal through which I must go, overcoming my challenges in order to be a better person, in a better place!
PS. I shared the image in this post on Instagram yesterday, finally letting go of my fear and insecurities, which I got soooo much amazing feedback for! The DMs kept pouring in and the comments meant so much!